I Have an Attitude about My Attitude
“What you got an attitude for?” — The person who just pissed you off.
I hate the expression “having an attitude”. Every person, every second of their lives has an attitude in one way or another. We can be happy, sad, angry, excited, etc, at any time during a given day as our moods change. However, the expression “you have an attitude” is only used to describe a less than desirable mood or negative emotion. I strongly dislike this expression because it is often used to gaslight the person with said “attitude” and implies that this person has no reason to feel the way they do.
As Black women, we have an unfair reputation for having attitude. Our emotions are constantly policed and if you aren’t always smiling or have RBF, you are labeled as having an attitude. Never mind all the things we have to be justifiably angry about, how we feel often comes in as a distant second to how we make other people feel. I’m over it. We are regularly compared to women of other races as they are fetishized for being better partners or more submissive because Black women “have too much attitude”. (Which is insulting to non-Black women the world over.) We must tread carefully in the workplace or risked being labeled the “angry Black woman”. If we speak out on our grievances at work and a non-Black woman starts crying, forget about it. We are then seen as bullies and our issue is now sidelined to cater to whomever is uncomfortable in our discomfort. We are labeled as being difficult or not being a team player if we express anything other than a plastered fake smile, even in the most stressful of situations.
“You should smile, Queen.” — A random man who has no idea what kind of day you’re having.
I understand that some see this approach as an icebreaker or an attempt to flirt. But this ain’t it. No one is owed a performance, a smile, or even politeness to make them feel more comfortable. I’ve been in the middle of a full-blown cluster migraine and barely made it to the gas station to get a Red Bull, only for some stranger to ask me, “Why you look so mad?”. It’s the entitlement for me. Our emotions and moods are our own, and no explanation is owed, least of all to some random person.
As a child, I was often told by my mother, “Fix your attitude before I fix it for you.”. There’s a lot to be said about the dynamics between Black mothers and daughters, but often, the first person to dismiss, gaslight and negate our feelings as Black women is our very own mothers. I know too many women, myself included, that were never allowed to feel angry as teenagers. It was seen as disrespect and the punishment would be swift and severe. Don’t get caught rolling your eyes, the subsequent slap was a quick reminder. “Keep that attitude to yourself.”
So yes, I have an attitude about my attitude. How I feel is how I feel and it’s no one’s job to tell me or you how to express it. I’m tired of the “angry Black woman” stigma that implies it is without reason.
Like Solange said, “I got a LOT to be mad about.”
